Apes and antibiotics

Ben Goldacre
Thursday April 17, 2003
The Guardian

New: Talk about Bad science

· The terrifying epidemic of inaccurate fear-mongering continues to rage over the Sars virus. Dominik Diamond of the Daily Star blames you, the general public, for creating the super virus: “We’ve wasted our defences against this, by demanding antibiotics at the mere hint of a sniffle.” Clever boy. Perhaps there’s a GCSE biology student out there who could explain to him why antibiotics only kill bacteria, and not viruses.

· Although we are, of course, right to worry, war is nothing compared to the glorious might of the natural world. Remember: politics killed only between seven and 10 million men and women in the first world war; the influenza epidemic bagged 21 million a year later. Morality is vanity, I tell you. The scientists are fighting a much bigger game.

· And so, with almost painful inevitability, we move on to Crap Cure of the Week. US regulators have ordered the chancers flogging the wonder-pill “Cellasene” to reimburse their customers $12m (£7.6m) over claims, now withdrawn, that their expensive blend of herbs and crushed grape seeds “eliminates” cellulite. I was more interested in their promise of a wholesale personality change, giving me a bottom and thighs that, apparently, I would be “eager to show off”. Thank God you can still buy Cellasene Forte in Boots at only £29.99.

· If only the Cellasene salespeople had followed the lead of Elemis, who have just won the Professional Beauty Awards 2003 prize for “Best Marketing and Promotions”. The key to pseudo-scientific cosmetics marketing is, as they demonstrate, to generate publicity material that means nothing and to steer well clear of testable hypotheses: “We use Absolutes, the purest form of living energy . . . Elemis plant essential oils are most potent and . . . have an immense capacity for oxygenating the skin.” Sold.

· And finally, we turn to the extraordinary letters pages of the Daily Mail, whose reactionary Victorian values seem to go well beyond the family: “Evolution is absurd. Are there any scientists who still believe in it?” Gulp. And, most terrifyingly: “If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes around?”

Dr Goldacre will be back next week.

Please send your favourite bad science to: bad.science@guardian.co.uk