I thought you might be interested in this job advert from the Independent.
It’s from the nice people at Maperton Trust.
You can go and see them for a diagnosis with their magical machines, although the best product is their Head Lice Repelling Unit or HELRU (right) which various people have emailed me about over the years, usually when they’ve been used in their local schools. It’s a badge. It’s basically too silly to write about. Here is a fun report of a trial, and here is the FAQ:
1. How does it work?
Without a comprehensive understanding of technology e.g. that used in space travel, it is not really possible to provide a very satisfactory answer.
We’re too stupid to understand their science. It costs £19 and they take all credit cards.
For free you can have an intense online treatment:
www.mapertontrust.com/htmlfiles/treatmentdetails.htm
And it looks like they maybe dip into treating seriously ill people too. Generally I reckon the people who go for this kind of thing kind of know what they’re getting into, but I suppose if people exert enough effort to make it look all sciencey then there might be the odd person who really does think they’re getting space age medicine. Ho hum.
(Sorry no column this week, boring story.)
neuro_chelle said,
February 2, 2010 at 11:02 am
I decided to email the nice people at Maperton Trust to ask how their headlice badge works. I sent them this:
“Hi there,
I have a “comprehensive understanding of technology e.g. that used in space travel”, could you tell me how your head lice badge works please? I will buy one for each of my 3 nephews and 1 niece if you can give me satisfactory explanation of how it works. Also, I don’t suppose it also repels spiders, as this could be a great product for arachnophobics?
Thanks,
Michelle Pierce, PhD”
and got this back:
“Dear Michelle
Thank you for your email.
Basically, the HELRU works on what we call a ‘field effect’ and we found the field effect that head lice do not like and put it into a device that is within the badge. The badge contains no chemicals and no electro magnetics and is perfectly safe for anyone to wear. Further than this is proprietary information. The badge comes with a 90 day money back guarantee if returned as sold.
Sincerely
Patricia
The Maperton Trust”
In other words, it does eff all but we can’t tell you that or you won’t buy it. Hilariously, I have a PhD in ‘field effects’ (I studied neuronal population activity) so they really picked the wrong person to try and bullshit.
Confused of Kent said,
February 2, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Posted whilst listening to “The Worried Well” by Show of Hands – The requirement for a minimum of 5 years working experience would fall foul of the age discrimination legislation.
danielearwicker said,
February 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm
“a working knowledge of… quantum singular activity”.
Uh… yeah, I know how all that stuff works. Got all the Futurama DVDs.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_singularity
smithers said,
February 3, 2010 at 1:46 pm
I love some of the user comments:
‘Increased energy-symptoms diminished’. Mrs D. Sherborne, Dorset.
WTF does that even mean?!
smithers said,
February 3, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Got to love some of the user comments:
‘Increased energy-symptoms diminished’. Mrs D. Sherborne, Dorset.
WTF does that even mean?!
neile said,
February 3, 2010 at 6:03 pm
I just did the HUDET therapy, and I can’t feel my legs.
I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!
Oh wait, there they are.
Maperton Trust can’t tell us how it works, not because WE don’t have a “comprehensive understanding of technology e.g. that used in space travel”, but because THEY don’t.
denvillesken said,
February 4, 2010 at 10:27 am
I really think this is worthy of a new T shirt for Ben’s excellent range…but what to put for the slogan?
How about;
If its brown, smells and is near a bull it probably is what you think it is!
Any other suggestions?
Mijin said,
February 4, 2010 at 7:30 pm
“Basically, the HELRU works on what we call a ‘field effect’ and we found the field effect that head lice do not like and put it into a device that is within the badge.”
So, if we were to take apart one of these badges we’d actually find a device inside and not, say, solid plastic?
Great! At last the so-called scientists of the world might get some insight into how to harness quantum singular activity or sub-molecular harmonic frequencies.
Mijin said,
February 4, 2010 at 7:34 pm
“Basically, the HELRU works on what we call a ‘field effect’ and we found the field effect that head lice do not like and put it into a device that is within the badge.”
So, if I were to break open one of these badges I’d find some sophisticated sciencey magubbins inside?
Great! All my years of so-called higher education have been a waste when one badge will show me how to harness quantum singular activity and sub-molecular harmonic frequencies…
walks with tench said,
February 5, 2010 at 7:15 pm
Mum bought one of these and my nits got WORSE: other people’s nits actually came to ME!
I took my badge off my lapel and put it in my trousers pocket; you DO NOT want to know where I’ve got nits now!
Could I sue them and claim it was faulty; that the sypatic fractals of the secondary applied field caused a quantum harmonic paradigm reversal in my dynamic met-space? [ie that it phuqued my aura?]
And would a judge believe this?
Someone should start a campaign or something like those that claimed side-effects from Homy Pills to make them say what is[n’t] in them.
I was going to e-mail them the above but mum says I’ll get into trouble but someone else might like to.
Got to go, Apple Crumble for tea; HOORAH! BYE.
mangie said,
February 7, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Cool, but for the salary
ALondoner said,
February 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm
Here’s a nice description of what they get up to at the Maperton Trust
www.positivehealth.com/article-view.php?articleid=511
No one seems to have left any comments there, yet…..
MrNick said,
February 8, 2010 at 1:15 am
@ALondoner
I left a comment at positivehealth.com.
It remains to be seen if it will ever appear.
Nick
Mijin said,
February 8, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Hehe, I believe so: www.positivehealth.com/article-view.php?articleid=511.
After all the waffle a snappy response. Like it.
elfy said,
February 11, 2010 at 5:46 am
@DanielDWilliam,
It’s probably legal to discriminate against meat-eaters, but probably not against vegetarians. The law prohibits discrimination on grounds of religion or belief, which includes “any religion, religious belief or similar philosophical belief”. So if you’ve got a decent coherent philosophy, you’re probably covered. Vegetarianism is just about coherent enough to pass, while meat-eating is more just a default option without much philosophy behind it. Except that animals taste good.
speedkermit said,
February 11, 2010 at 12:52 pm
who you gonna call?
speedkermit said,
February 11, 2010 at 12:52 pm
louder
speedkermit said,
February 11, 2010 at 12:53 pm
i can’t hear you
lff12 said,
February 12, 2010 at 6:24 pm
20k a year is rather crap for a PhD with vegetarian skills. I’d be rather pissed off if I spent years of research for that.
lff12 said,
February 12, 2010 at 6:27 pm
Although it is quite hilarious to read if you realise that all the verbiage is basically cack. Whats funnier still is how they would expect a genuine MSc or PhD to apply, given that the pay is rather low. I guess they’d probably accept my degree in Musicology instead.
lasersage said,
February 16, 2010 at 8:36 am
A little more info on how said badge works following an email from me saying I was interested but wanted to know more about how it works and how it relates to space travel.
Dear Ian
Thank you for your email.
Basically the HELRU works on what we call a field effect and we found the field effect that head lice do not like and put it into a device that is within the badge. Further than that is proprietary information.
The badge is non chemical and non electro magnetic and is perfectly safe for anyone to use.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Maperton Trust
I don’t think this has anything to do with space travel, and if the information were so “proprietary” why don’t they patent it? Oh yeh, cos they’d be laughed out the patent office.
thtelford said,
February 17, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Just how many vegetarians with a minimum of 5 years experience in the parascientific, psionic hardware, sub molecular harmonic frequencies, ultimatonic field patterning instruments, geomagnetic wave calibrations, electromagnetic field potentials, exploratory map sensing, quantum singular activity, radioaesthetics, with a flexible attitude to working hours, looking to earn £20-24k who live in an easily commutable distance of Wincanton are there?
nonisa said,
March 7, 2010 at 9:12 pm
getting the free treatment now…i shall report back…
Delster said,
March 8, 2010 at 9:05 pm
i know how space travel works….you throw stuff really fast out the back and you go forward….basically speaking
wholesale lingerie said,
March 11, 2010 at 7:27 am
yes, i do agree i shall report back
Sqk said,
July 13, 2010 at 11:28 am
Hello all!
There appears to be a lack of ‘reporting back’. Has the treatment caused some interference with the internet? Have you been carried off in the night by giant pre-emptive head-lice?
Hate to break it to anyone studying a PhD, but there’s at least one profession out there where you’re expected to have a good degree and a Masters or PhD, start on £15-20k and if you’re really lucky stay on it indefinitely. You do it for the love of the subject apparently. Still, there’s never a dull moment and there’s a fascinating surrealness that you just don’t find anywhere else (and vermin infested hovels are ‘character building’).